Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.