Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

murder on the timeline

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.