Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

I have a new favorite meme page

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?