Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
at ease…shoulder.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.