Can’t, I’m fighting over the space heater with the cat

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I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.


Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*


Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.


When I’m looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it’s quieter…


“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation


You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.


If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…


“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.


When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.


ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.