Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
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God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.