@1MeLrO

Can’t, I’m fighting over the space heater with the cat

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@JKickinit30

I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.

@ABostonTwit

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@SteveInevitable

When I’m looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it’s quieter…

@brennadine

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

@chinkydeliciae

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

@wendchymes

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

@JElvisWeinstein

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

@desijourno

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.