Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
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