Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point