Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
You Might Also Like
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
So sorry
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.