Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
