Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
You Might Also Like
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
🤣
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣