Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
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Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Can’t stop laughing
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm