Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
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homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce