Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…