Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Hot Hot Hot
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.