Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
are they though??
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Incredible customer service.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away