Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.