Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Best mom ever 😂

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.