Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

My Guy

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.