@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

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@smithsara79

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

@stockejock

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

@steveolivas

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

@NotARatsAss

My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.

@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@kiel_phillips

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

@Jandalize

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

@soandrewyang

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

@david8hughes

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

@dave_cactus

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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