Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room


When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.


Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”


My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.


Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.


*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian


Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?


*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack


[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?


ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
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