Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires
british officer: what about that bloody fork
me: this is no time to eat sir
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”
Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?
Choosing dog food is hard.
If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”
Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me