Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Spring cleaning checklist…
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
A drum solo but on your face.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??