@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

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@kimlockhartga

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

@ThugRaccoons

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

@captainkalvis

CRIME SCENE

me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires

british officer: what about that bloody fork

me: this is no time to eat sir

@Storminika

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

@tsm560

Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”

@LinajkReturns

Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?

Choosing dog food is hard.

@SortaBad

If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”

@CMFC99

Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

@daemonic3

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me