Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day