Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
You Might Also Like
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat