Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one