Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise