Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
“Describe yourself in 5 words.”
me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Found $5 in my pocket.
I vow not to let my wealth change me.