Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.