Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
How all things should be taught/explained.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…