What about second breakfast?
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
😎 🍻
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons