Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.