Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Match dot com, but for socks.

May never get over this

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.