Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.