Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
TWEET CALL
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.