can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.