Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Interior design 👌
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse