Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
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Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.