Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

The funk soul brother

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes