Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?