Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

pls suprot

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*