Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.