Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
You Might Also Like
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.