Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.