Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”