Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

😂

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

these two trucks have the same bed length

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

I hate my earbuds.

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!