Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
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I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
