Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
You Might Also Like
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
My dress code is business-casualty.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
