Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
You know…for fall…
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok