Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is