can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am