can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster