can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
sistine chapel
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people