*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable