Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die