Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

figuring out my emotional availability:

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”