Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

The asteroid..

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

OKAY DAD

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

Yoga Matt

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.