Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

thanksgiving in nutshell

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.