Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
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.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

can I use a minion as a tampon

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.