Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

Florida man

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.