Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Has science gone too far?

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Accurate

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “