can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The happy life.. 😊
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.