Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
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public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.