Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Bloody internet 😳
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.