Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
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Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Muppet Screams
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
goldfish mafia
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Dead sexy!!
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine