cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.