Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

💀😭

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

forgive me baja for i have blast

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.