cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position