cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.