cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets