Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
You Might Also Like
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.