Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
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My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle