Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
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Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”