Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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Spider-cat: No One Home
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
just having fun
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
