@galiamango

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

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@iinkedZombie

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

@zacharyflynn

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

@Carbosly

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

@Roxtalled

Her: Make me a burrito, please.

Me: ??

*wraps her in blanket

*pours hot sauce inside

@zachreinert03

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

@10InchesPlus

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

@NotJPo

I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.

@Beatonm5

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

@SirEviscerate

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped