Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.
– Viagra addict
Her: Make me a burrito, please.
*wraps her in blanket
*pours hot sauce inside
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped