Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
getting old is fun
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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