Can’t stop laughing
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My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
#Thanos #MondayMood
water it, i dare you
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Children of the corn 🌽
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.