Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT