Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.