Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.