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I came this close!!!!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.