Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

I needed a laugh this morning.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”