Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
You Might Also Like
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse