I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
That’s amazing.